


i looked up at the mass of signs and stars in the night sky and laid myself open for the first time to the benign indifference of the world

by ffslynch



Series: Kuroo Week 2020 [3]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Kuroo misses his mother, Late Night Conversations, M/M, star-gazing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:00:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25900222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ffslynch/pseuds/ffslynch
Summary: Star-gazing is a very appropriate activity to have crisis about the future and overall revelations(Kuroo Week 2020 day 3: Night sky)
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji & Kuroo Tetsurou, Bokuto Koutarou & Kuroo Tetsurou, Kozume Kenma & Kuroo Tetsurou, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Kuroo Tetsurou & Kuroo Tetsurou's Mother
Series: Kuroo Week 2020 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1896280
Comments: 8
Kudos: 26
Collections: Kuroo Week 2020





	i looked up at the mass of signs and stars in the night sky and laid myself open for the first time to the benign indifference of the world

For as long as he can remember, Kuroo has always loved watching the night sky. It’s a habit he picks up when his mum is still alive, a way of bonding together when he was still too young to understand that they only had a determined number of counted days together. 

They would sit down on the porch at night, after dinner. His mother would make tea and set him down on her lap, telling him to be careful, so he would spill the hot liquid on the both of them. Then, she would point out the stars in the sky, telling him about the constellations and the different stories behind them, all the Greek myths that they were named after, that she had learnt in college. Kuroo learns first about the magic of the stars, and how all humans are intertwined by their star-dust filled faith. Later on, when he is already in high school, he learns about the chemical and physical aspects of it and the bright dots in the sky only become even more fascinating. Kuroo loves the stars. 

Even after his mother passes away, Kuroo still watches the night sky. It’s a way to calm him down, help him to see settle down and see the bigger picture. When he feels lonely or it seems like all the memories he has are the ones of her in a hospital bed, weak and frail as cancer eats her away from him, he’ll find a place to sit down and look up, wondering about all the stories she’d tell him about and if she would be proud of him, wherever she was now. If she had become a star as well. 

He is on his second year of high school. Nekoma and a few other teams are together for a training camp. Kenma is already fast asleep and Kuroo is shifting around on his own futon, mind running wild with anxiety that won’t let him fall asleep. It’s Kenma’s first training camp, and he is very much exhausted. He told Kuroo he was fine but practically fainted after shower and Kuroo was pretty sure he was running a fever. To top it off, he had accidentally heard his seniors discussing who they would make captain next year. Kuroo had been so sure it was going to be Kai, even if he had been dreaming about being captain and being able to lead his team into nationals, that when he heard his own name he almost choked on his water. He can’t sleep. He can’t possibly think about becoming captain, being the one responsible for his team when his own best friend is laying down, sick and batten down because Kuroo has been insisting that he play with him, join his team, become the brain of Nekoma that he knew Kenma could be. The room suddenly feels smaller, and the air is heavy in his lung. It is hard to breathe and everything is just so silent but so loud at the same time. Kuroo swears Yamamoto is going to turn around at any second to complain about his heart thumping away on his ribcage and his shallow breaths. Kuroo sits up, he needs to get out of there. 

And so that’s how he finds himself watching the stars once again, sitting on a hill behind one of the gymnasiums. As he looks up to the sky he feels so ridiculously tiny compared to the rest of the universe. Suddenly, breathing becomes a lot easier. Kuroo doesn’t know how long he has been there, eyes stuck on the sky, stories rolling over his head mixed with random thoughts and general introspection when he hears someone calling his name. He lets his head fall to the side to catch Fukorodani’s new setter. 

“Hello there,” Kuroo greets, trying to be friendly “Akaashi, right?” The freshman nods, brows furrowed together

“What are you doing out here? It’s very late, Kuroo-san.” 

“Well, I could ask you the same thing, couldn’t I?” Akaashi has the decency to blush and look away nervously 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude or anything”

“No, no!” Kuroo says, hands raised in the air anxiously. He tries his best to give the other boy a friendly smile “I was just poking some fun, Akaashi. It’s fine. I was just a bit stressed and wanted to relax a bit. Watching the sky helps.”

“Ah... I see” Akaashi says, seriously and nods “I can understand that,” he says and Kuroo chuckles a little. Poor Akaashi, so formal. He reminds Kuroo of Kenma in a way, though he probably shouldn’t say that out loud. Both setters had established a pretty intense rivalry against each other from their first game that was going strong until now, and would probably last until both of them graduated. 

“So... What are you doing out here, this late?”

“Same as you, I suppose.” He tells him with a shrug of shoulders. Kuroo nods

“You want to sit with me?” he asks and although Akaashi does look a bit hesitant at first (Kuroo doesn’t blame him, they barely know each other after all), he nods and sets his body down gently beside him. “How are you liking Fukurodani?”

“I’m enjoying it so far. It is a great school, and my colleagues are interesting, dedicated people” A polite, vague answer, that really didn’t tell you any information at all. Fair enough, Kuroo should have expected that. Akaashi was quiet and observant, with a much-reserved nature. But Kuroo was Kuroo, and it wouldn’t be quite fair of him to disrespect his own nature and it’s tendencies to ruffle people’s feathers. 

“That’s good, that’s good... What about your relationship with Bo? You two seem to get on well?” It was an understatement, to say the least. Kuroo had Akaashi’s profile decorated by heart from all the times Bokuto had texted him about the setter from the moment he had got into the team. Also, their affection for each other was clear as day to anyone who observed them. Akaashi blushes once again, and when he answers his voice is very steady, in the nasal way when someone speaks trying to maintain its cool when they’re most definitely freaking out on the inside.

“Bokuto-san is a great senpai. He is a very talented player.”

“He is also an amazing person” Akaashi seems hesitant, but eventually nods

“Yes, he is a very kind person.”

“Indeed he is,” Kuroo says, a cheeky smile on his face “But you two go beyond the court, right? From what Bo tells me, you guys are friends...right?” Akaashi nods, once again, but not trusting his voice this time. Smart move, in Kuroo’s opinion. Even though the setter is silent and still by his side, his eyes are frantic and Kuroo could swear he is starting to break a sweat of nervousness just from this simple exchange. 

“You know... I’ve known Bo for a while... He really likes you, you know? I know it can be kinda hard to tell just how much because he is just so friendly with everyone, but he most definitely considers you in a very…a special place in his heart”

“What are you getting at, Kuroo-san?” he asks, voice shaking

“Nothing, nothing... I’m just saying whatever your feelings are regarding the subject, maybe you should let them be known. A life of secrecy and suppressing yourself doesn’t seem too much worth living in my humble opinion,”

“What makes you think I’m hiding anything?”

“Well, let’s put it this way: I’ve known Bo long enough to see his multiple stages of grief when it comes to matters of the heart. And by the stark difference in the way he was acting today after training and when he showed up for dinner...I think something went down when we all left to shower and you two stayed to clean.” Kuroo puts simply. Akaashi’s silence is louder than any possible response he could give. 

You see, when you spend most of your days watching a game consisting of a ball crossing from one side of the net to the other, you ought to eventually learn to identify at which side of the court the ball is. And in this little game of throw and look away that had been going one between Bokuto and his setter, the ball was most definitely on Akaashi’s side.

“I see. You’re smarter than I gave you credit for, Kuroo-san” Kuroo lets his head fall back and the ugly noise that had been associated with his genuine laugh fills the empty space. 

“That’s fair, that’s fair, many people underestimate me cause you know, I’m already funny AND good-looking, so obviously being also smart is a little bit too much but what can I say? God just blessed me that way” He tells Akaashi and the look of slight disgust in his eyes is enough to make him explode with laughter again “Sorry, sorry. In all honesty, I just grew up around people that don’t talk a lot or express themselves directly. Kenma would literally cut his tongue off and die of haemorrhage before telling me what he is feeling or if he needs something. I had to learn how to read him, his face and body expression, very soon if I wanted to actually know what was going on inside his head, that wasn’t related to video games or volleyball or other stuff. So I guess it just made me good at reading people in general.” He explains, shrugging his shoulders. If he had a dime for every minute he spent watching Kenma, observing, learning and filing the information for future reference on his head, he’d be a rich man. Hell, he’d probably be a rich man if he got a penny for an hour. Watching Kenma was first a necessity, in order to better understand this new boy and actually develop a friendship that was pleasant and fulfilling for both of them. But soon enough it became a habit, almost addictive sometimes. Kuroo loved watching him, doing whatever really, and he loved that he was one of the few people in the world that could actually say that he knew what Kenma, this fascinating quiet and steady faced creature, was thinking.

Akaashi merely watches him talk, nodding quietly, a puzzling expression on his face like he is seeing something for the first time, like seeing a painted picture again in a different lighting and finally understanding what the image is supposed to be or catching an important detail that was obscured before.

“I see,” He says, quietly. They both watch the sky for a few more minutes before Akaashi makes a comment about how late it must be, and how he should be heading to bed.

“Hope I helped with your stress,” Kuroo told him, smiling cheekily. “Just do what will make you help Akaashi. Don’t overthink it. Happiness is one truth away” he winks and Akaashi looks at him silently. He stands up to leave and actually takes a few steps before turning around and watching Kuroo silently, and blurting out:

“You should follow your own advice sometimes, Kuroo-san,” He tells him, voice soft but intense with feelings that Kuroo doesn’t quite understand where it comes from. Kuroo grins, tired and feeling awkwardly exposed. 

“Good night Akaashi,” he says and the boy nods, wishing him goodnight back and leaving. Kuroo stays for a few more minutes, mulling over Akaashi’s words. Eventually, his eyes start to burn with sleepiness and the future captain abandons his spot on the grass, slowly making his way back to the dorm room. Above him, the stars shine brightly with the unknown. 

A whole year passes by and yet Kuroo finds himself at the exact same spot, watching most likely the exact same stars. It’s his last training camp as a Nekoma student and one of his last weeks as team captain. The future is unknown, almost as nebulous as the sky. He has shining glimpses of what it may look like (the universities he has applied, the course he wants to major, the neighbourhoods he might move to), but the details are far from being as illuminated as the stars in the sky. If he is being honest, Kuroo feels like he is in the dark most of the time, nowadays.

“Bro!” He turns around to find Bokuto going down the hill, arms raised above his head.

“Hey bro!” Kuroo waves back “What are you doing here?”

“I thought you looked off today. When I commented with Akaashi, he told me I could probably find you out here” Ah, Akaashi, ever so observant. Kuroo nods as Bokuto plops down by his side “So... What’s up?”

“Nothing’ Kuroo says and Bokuto gives him a knowing look before he simply sighs “Just...I don’t know man, everything? Everything is changing. I have no idea where we are going to be next year. If I’m going to get into college, if I’ll go pro after school, If I’ll ever be pro at all! Fuck, I don’t even know if I’m going to graduate!”

“...Kuroo, c’mon” Bokuto tells him with a snort “We both know you’re going to graduate. Honestly, if I had to bet on someone will become a greedy, rich bitch, I’d bet on you” They look at each other for a moment before simultaneously saying “naah”

“It’s going to be Kenma”

“Yep, for sure. Smart little gremlin” Bokuto says and Kuroo can’t help but cackle. Kenma would murder them both if he heard that. “I imagine that must be freaking you out too.”   
“What?”

“Your whole Kenma situation. I mean, if you do move out and stuff, you guys won’t be glued to each other sides all the time”

“Don’t even mention it” Kuroo says with a sight. Sometimes he thinks that living without Kenma might be the hardest change to adjust of all. They’ve been each other's shadows for so long, he couldn’t really imagine a life routine without Kenma. Without having movie nights and or watching him play and do impromptu reviews of games, without waiting for each other at the sidewalk and going to skill, Kenma sleepy and playing, Kuroo guiding him with a hand on his shoulder and occasional commentary. No more coffee dates after class, no more studying on Kenma’s floor on Wednesdays nights and Saturday afternoons, no more lazing around on Sundays watching volleyball games on Kenma’s bedroom floor. In the very core of it, Kuroo’s life revolved as much around Kenma as it did around volleyball. “I have no idea what I’m going to do.” He says before rubbing his face ‘Ugh, I sound stupid. Kenma will probably be relieved to not have me annoying him every day. He’d kick my ass if he heard me talking like this.”   
“Bro...Yeah, I totally get your concern with getting into college now cause that’s the dumbest thing I ever heard” Bokuto says and Kuroo looks at him, shocked “Kenma relieved to not have you around? Like, have you even MET Kenma? He is not the type of person that would have signed up for all of this on the long term if he didn’t like or at least respected the person asking. He is glued to your side 24/7, which considering his lowkey aversion to other people, must be a sign that he doesn’t hate you” Kuroo chuckles and nods, a short wave of relief washing over him. Yes, everything that Bokuto is saying is true and honestly, things he should already know. But fear tends to cloud his judgment, even in starry nights like this. 

“Yeah, I guess I’m just overthinking everything these days”

“Seriously bro, I get being nervous and everything, I’m a pile of anxiety myself, but it’s going to be fine. You and Kenma are going to be ok, you’ve been together for too long to let some distances come in between” Kuroo nods, with his eyebrows furrowed. Together. He and Kenma had always been together. What an odd thought. He shakes his head, trying to push his worried away

“Well, what about you? Going pro, after all?” Bokuto gives him the biggest smile ever, as bright as the tiny burning orbs distant on the sky.

“Hopefully! I already got a few proposals, but nothing is set on stone yet. I still have to do my finals but you know, it’s probably going to happen.”

“I’m happy for you Bo. You really deserve it. Gonna be Japans number one Ace” He says, putting an arm around his friend’s neck and pulling him down, knuckled meeting the middle of his head in an affectionate rub. Bokuto laughs, hands-on Kuroo’s arms pretending he is going to push him away but not really. “Oi, you better get me front row tickets to all your games.”

“You’re going to be my number one fan?”

“Yep, Gonna be the vice president of the official ‘Bokuto Koutaro fan club,” Kuroo says, laughing as he let him go

“Ouch, only vice president?”

“Bro, I can’t compete with Akaashi”

“True, true” Bokuto says nodding, a much softer smile on his face now. Kuroo watched him, a bit enchanted by the change in his friends’ expression. He wondered if someone ever became soft like this because of him. If he will ever be able to have what Bokuto has, someone that loves him enough to calm the frantic mess that goes inside his head. He looks back up, watching. The night sky stretches above him, filled with constellations of dreams and possibilities. There is so much he doesn’t know, so much unknown filling up the sky and his future. But Bokuto is right, he is not in total darkness. He had been a good student, solid grades and electives. He had some sort of idea of what would please him to do in the future, possible careers in case he decided being pro wasn’t for him. He would still have his family and friends support, even if they weren’t able to see each other physically every day. He and Kenma would be fine. Kuroo would be fine. 

Kuroo lets his body plop down, laying on the grass.

“Can you believe is our final year?” he asks, voice floaty and dreamy.

“Not really. Can you?” Bokuto asks and Kuroo shakes his head.

“I feel like I spend so much time waiting for this to come and now that is here...I don’t know. It doesn’t feel real.” 

“Yeah, I guess it doesn’t. But it is. So really, we don’t have much choice but to live and enjoy it, right?” Bokuto comments, voice thrilled with excitement. It was interesting that all the unknown that terrified Kuroo, excited him instead. Kuroo looked up to the sky again, being reminded of his short time with his mum, filled with stories of adventure and caring words. His life was just a small line in a universe composed by so many events it was impossible to count. His problems, worries and insecurities, as much as they ate him inside out, were only tiny specs if compared to the big picture. They would disappear, being swallowed by time and the much longer future that stretched in front of him, covered with untold prospects and hazards. Kuroo wasn’t a shining star in the sky, he was just a boy, almost man, standing there in the middle of the darkness, hoping for a glimpse of what was to come. But the vision wouldn’t come and so, he had no other option but to chase after it and live it.

“Yeah” He answers “You’re right”

“Of course I am” Bokuto scoffs “I mean, it’s me after all” Kuroo laughs and pushes him down again

“Ok, the sleep is getting to your head, you’re getting delusional” Kuroo says, standing up “Maybe we should head out to bed. Big day tomorrow”

“Sure, sure, you just don’t want to admit I’m a freaking genius, besides being the best player” Bokuto says, standing up as well.

“Bokuto, I love you, and there are many positive words that I’d use to describe you. But genius is not one of them” Kuroo says, as they make their way back to the dorms

“You know, just because of that, I’m going to beat you so hard on our next match, you’re going to be kicked off the court”

“We’ll see about that” Kuroo says, pointing at him. Bokuto winks before turning in to his dorm and Kuroo does the same, going in the house that had been appointed to Nekoma.

Outside, the night sky was dark, filled with stars glowing bright with possibilities. 

It’s late at night, almost 11 pm when Kuroo finally makes his way into Kenma’s house. God, he is exhausted. Sure, it was always fun to watch the game, especially with such talented teams, and he did have a great time talking to everyone he hadn’t seen in so many years, some of them he was sure he hadn’t seen since high school, and being able to make business while at it was cherry on top. But truth be told, work was still work, and all he wanted now was to simply give Kenma all the paperwork he needed him to sign and crash on his friend couch while watching a movie. He wasn’t sure if Kenma remembered, as Kuroo tended to not make a fuss of it and today had been quite a hectic day for Kenma himself, but it was still his birthday (at least for a few more minutes). All Kuroo wanted was to rest and be able to enjoy himself for a little while, in the quiet reserved way he enjoyed but not many people associated with him. In all honesty, even if he wasn’t so tired, if he had to pick a way to commemorate his own birthday, laying down beside his best friend on the couch and while quietly sharing a meal and pointing out plot holes in movies was probably would still be his first choice at any given time. 

“Kenma” Kuroo calls, entering the house. He drops his shoes at the door and goes in without much ceremony. It was Kenma’s house, which in itself meant that Kuroo had been over plenty of time to consider the place practically his. He drops the documents on the living room table and looks around, trying to spot where Kenma could be. He makes a beeline for the gaming room, but that is empty as well. “Kenma?” He calls out once more before hearing a quiet ‘here’ calling him from the back porch. Kuroo makes his way there but stops at the door the leads outside, surprised. 

Kenma is shockingly waiting for him on his backyard, sitting on an old blanket that is covered with his favourite snacks and even a few cupcakes in the middle. An actual birthday picnic. 

“You remembered” Kuroo mentions, approaching slowly. Kenma rolls his eyes at his friends’ stupidity. 

“Bold of you to assume I’d forget” 

“I mean, I knew you wouldn’t forget, forget, but today was a big day, with Shoyou, the game, all of our old team coming over. I honestly just thought you’d be a bit overwhelmed to do something.” He explains sitting down “Also, you hate outdoors, why are we sitting here?”

“Because you love watching the stars,” Kenma says, matter of factly. And it is true, and Kuroo knows it such a dumb simple detail but his fondness for Kenma swells so much at the moment that he thinks it might engulf him altogether and kill him. He is suddenly hit by how much he loves Kenma, how much he is thankful for their days together and for having someone that cares enough to sit outside and watch the stars with him. He shakes his head at his own ridiculousness, dying on his birthday from yearning for his best friend. 

They sit down, watching the sky, exchanging stories. It’s such a small thing to do, but so pleasant and fulfilling. It spreads a warmth inside his chest, despite the chilling breeze of the night surrounding them. Kuroo thinks this might be his favourite birthday yet. He thinks he doesn’t want this night to ever end. He thinks he wants to do this again, and again, every night for the rest of his life. Something that he had always known, but never tried to think about, clicked on his mind. Something about loving someone so deeply and for so long you sometimes get blind sided by the true nature of the feeling itself. He sighed, looking up to the stars, letting them illuminate both of them and the undeniable truth that this, this small act of sitting outside on Kuroo’s birthday watching the stars, is an act that demonstrates much more infatuation than a birthday party between friends should ever do. Slowly, quietly as he has to be, because its Kenma, and he doesn’t want to scare him, he lays his hand over his. Kenma’s skin is warm and soft. Kuroo wants to hold it forever. 

“Kenma?” He asks

“Kuro.” Kenma answers

“It’s this a date?” he asks, genuinely scared and thrilled for the answer at the same time. Kenma is very quiet for a while and it makes Kuroo’s heart beat so loud on his chest that he thinks people could hear from all the way across Japan.

“Maybe. If you want it to be.”   
“I very much do.”

“Then yes. Yes, it is.”

“Ok. Good.” He says, warm spreading out through his face. He would feel more embarrassed but honestly, the shade of pink covering Kenma’s cheeks and the bubbly feeling on his chest won’t allow him to feel anything that not pure bliss. “Hey, Kenma?” He asks a smile stretched on his face that he just can’t erase.

“What? Why do you have such an evil smile on your face for?”

“You forgot to give me my birthday present”

“I literally made you a picnic under the night sky” 

“Still... There’s something else I’ve been dreaming of for a while now” He says, letting his hand on Kenma’s cheek. He blushes harder and Kuroo can feel the soft, velvety skin growing warmer under his fingers.

“Oh” Kenma says “That can be arranged,” he says, after a pause. Kuroo smiles and leans in, kissing him softly. 

Above them, the night sky is filled with the glimmer of the stars. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, thank you so much for reading it! Feedback is always appreciated and if you'd like to see me shitposting about Kuroo and yearning, you can find me on twitter @ ffskuroo


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